


Researching Human Mating Rituals

by hitokiridarkempress



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Crack, Crack with Plot, Humor, M/M, Rhodey is So Done, do not copy to another site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 07:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17997809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitokiridarkempress/pseuds/hitokiridarkempress
Summary: Aliens kidnapped Tony and Stephen for research on human mating rituals. However the aliens have never seen humans before. And the aliens are recording all their interactions for research. Let's see what the aliens have found in their research of human mating behavior between a couple who isn't a couple yet...





	Researching Human Mating Rituals

**Author's Note:**

> Incredibly self-indulgent, and I need something to write to get out of my Yandere!Strange spree. Plotting this out made me laugh. Not your typical aliens made them do it. It's mostly in the aliens' POV. No angst in here.

Attention students, we have a special assignment for this term. Today we have obtained a human mated pair for the first time. We will observe their mating rituals and hopefully the female will produce offspring for future learning purposes. And since this is the first time we have encountered humans. We will record their every interaction. For the safety of our students, the pair is in a safe enclosure where we can observe their every move through the holocams and the pair is unaware of our observation. Seeing humans in their natural environment with minimal interference is important for this assignment.

As you can see we have removed the female’s inferior technology. It is fascinating to know that the females would don armor for protection along with wearing a form fitting under-layer. Why did we designate this one as female since both of them feature similar facial expressions? It is quite simple; this one is smaller, louder and has a more rounded posterior. Which the taller one is will often stare at the female’s posterior when the female is not looking. Furthermore, the taller one seems to be protective of his mate and will use his size to intimidate his mate into submission.

It seems human females get more agitated whenever their mate tries dominance. Now the female is waving her arms and walking away from her mate. We have witnessed an argument between the two. Let us hope the male will make up to his mate. Otherwise, we may have to procure another specimen for the female. As finding females are more difficult and it is uncertain whether this particular male would take another mate. Notice how the male stares at the ground in dejection.

As we can see here, we have left some sustenance for the pair. It is uncertain whether these foods are pleasing to human palates. From previous books on human literature, humans consume red meat, shellfish called, “oysters,” wine, and confectioneries known as chocolate and whipped cream. Please take note of what humans eat, as this will be on the examination. We have also procured a large bed; humans often mate on the bed. Though some texts do mention that humans will mate everywhere regardless of environment, however the bed is the ideal place for humans to mate.

Note that the male has turned an interesting shade of red when seeing the food and bed. Further research is required whether the male shows signs of arousal. The female seems to be ignoring the male in favor of food. Notice how the female eats the whipped cream in what seems to be a seduction attempt. The male is getting redder; perhaps turning red is a sign of human arousal…

Any signs of intercourse have failed today. The male and female are sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. We shall continue monitoring the pair tomorrow. Today’s homework is to research human courtship.

It is the second day of monitoring the couple. We have separated them temporarily to try a hypothesis, thank you student Catelea for the suggestion. From researching human literature, females are to dress in something called lingerie in order to entice their mate. Females also wear themed costumes in order to obtain a mate. Combining the two should convince the male. For today, the female is wearing something called a French maid outfit with a red thong underneath. Please note that certain costumes produce different effects. If today’s courting attempt fail, we shall have to try a different outfit for the female. Also, the female must be kept sedated whenever we change her clothing or moving her to a different enclosure. She’s extremely loud and she bites.

The male sees the female in her new attire. The female is turning away showing her posterior to the male. He is producing a very loud screech with arms up in the air. Is the courting ritual a success?

Courting ritual is a failure, notice how the male is refusing eye contact and the female is tugging at her outfit in what seems to be displeasure. It seems females choose their own enticement costumes when wooing their mate. However today is not a complete failure, note that the male is completely red in the face. The outfit simulated arousal, but not enough for intercourse. We shall try again tomorrow. Get the sedatives ready and place the female where the human clothes are. Hopefully she will pick something out to stimulate her mate.

The female is making a shrieking sound upon seeing her choices. It seems the choices we have available are not suitable to entice a mate. Though looking at the human textbooks show that females often wear popular outfits called: sexy nurse, playboy bunny, catgirl, French maid, slave girl bikini, lace panties, and school girl in order to entice a mate. Perhaps the selection is too small for the female…

Please note that the female is choosing lace panties and ripping several outfits to wrap around her waist. The female appears to be sulking and avoiding her mate when placed back. Notice her shoddy handiwork. Her makeshift wrap has nearly fallen off. The male is still staring at her posterior. He appears to be drooling. Further research is required. It seems today there will be no progress. Students, please research human female behaviors.

We shall test the hypothesis of something called, S & M. Apparently human females must be naked, tied up and have their posteriors presented to their mate. It has been recorded that males have intercourse this way. Please note that the male is pacing around in his enclosure after separating his mate. We have the female in another enclosure properly tied up and ready to present. We will place the male with the female as soon as the sedatives wear off. And after the female stops shouting nonstop…

The male is now red in the face and his mouth appears to be hanging open. That is a good sign. The female is shouting at the male. It seems the female is trying to entice the male through more shouting. The shouting seems to prompt the male. Perhaps intercourse will take place. Odd, since most recorded S & M examples show that the female shows absolute submission while this female shows dominance even in a submissive state.

The male is trying to untie the female, this is most unusual. Perhaps this female is the dominant one in this relationship. Note how the male averts his gaze. The female is appearing agitated after being released. Guards, ready the sedatives…

It appears they are having some sort of communication. Note how the female is appearing to be doing all the communicating. Communication appears to play a big part in the mating ritual. This major breakthrough will be recorded and will update the data-banks on human behavior.

It appears the female is initiating the first contact. See how their faces connect? The male is now on top of the female. Amazing on how the male’s garments have disappeared when properly stimulated. We are now witnessing human intercourse. Note that the female is lying in her back when being mounted. Please remember that human intercourse must not be interrupted as their mating sessions varies.

It appears that humans have several positions when having intercourse. And human females are particularly loud. Further research is required on these positions the female is in. Once intercourse is complete, we shall separate the two and monitor the female’s health.

The male is very aggressive whenever the guards are trying to separate the two of them. It is too dangerous, let us wait until the female leaves her mate’s side.

It seems we are wrong that human intercourse happens once and pregnancy begins after intercourse is complete. This pair has been initiating intercourse on a daily basis. Perhaps due to the female’s age that repeated intercourse must take place. The male shows no sign of stopping…

Our database is being overloaded with the recorded information with the amount of intercourse this couple had in the past 2 months. The female seems to like wearing the provided enticement garments for her mate.

It is now month 3 and the female is still engaging intercourse with her mate.

Students, we have now been informed that this pair is not a male and female pair as we have been lead to believe. This is a male human pairing. And human males do not bear offspring. However this term is not a complete waste. We have plenty of new information on human mating behaviors and the recorded mating rituals will be available for public purchase. We have been told that recorded mating rituals are very popular and we will return these two back where they came. Next time we will observe a _proper_ human female and male.  

**One month after the alien kidnapping incident.**

Tony and Stephen were drinking coffee and tea respectively when all of a sudden.

“Congratulations on your fame of sexual prowess my friends!”

Thor booms as he enters the kitchen.  

Stephen promptly spits out his tea.

“Thor buddy, those videos of me are old.” As Tony sips on his coffee, clearly not impressed.

“Nay, Man of Iron. I speak of your galactic fame with the infinity beer wizard and your sexual exploits. Everyone has bought copies of your joyous union!” Thor brings out discs and albums with covers of Tony in various outfits and compromising positions with Stephen.

As Thor brought out the discs, Rhodey enters the room. He sees Thor holding a stack of pornography with pictures Tony and Stephen on them. Stephen hiding his face in mortification, and Tony is laughing yelling, “I’m an intergalactic porn star!”

And Rhodey just walks right back out.

 “…Nope.”

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Rhodey...
> 
> My Tumblr is metalandfood. So come drop by and say hello! I need something to cheer me up after a shitty week at work.


End file.
